The Heart Behind All We Do—Part 1
Little did we know that COVID-19 was going to change the world–and our lives–forever.
Why We Started Mendo LEAP—A Series of 3
Part 1: Giving Birth in a Pandemic
Content Warning: this blog includes descriptions of the COVID-19 pandemic, mental illness and postpartum depression. Please take care reading ahead if these topics are activating or difficult for you.
In March of 2020, I gave birth to our second child, Titus.
As small business owners we had to work very hard to prepare and save for Jonathan to take time off after the baby came. We had planned and saved up enough for him to take 2 weeks off. Of course, we would have liked to have more time, but there is no parental leave for small business owners. Little did we know that COVID-19 was going to change the world–and our lives–forever.
Giving birth during the pandemic was difficult. Women had to do it alone; no loved ones were allowed in the room for health and safety. I was also warned that if I tested positive for COVID the hospital staff would immediately take the baby away “for their safety”. Of course, I wouldn’t want to give my newborn COVID, but the idea of having my brand new baby taken away from me after giving birth alone. . .
The Perfect Recipe for Financial Disaster
Not having my support system during the days, weeks and months postpartum...it was a recipe for a mental and emotional disaster. Then, the determination that our small business was “non essential”, so my husband couldn't work. He legally was not allowed to work. To be deemed “non-essential” when to us he was absolutely essential–working was absolutely essential–was extremely demoralizing and isolating.
The pandemic ate through our entire savings. Six months without working. Not qualifying for financial aid because we were non-essential, didn't have employees and—according to our finances (the taxes from the previous year)—we didn't qualify for anything. We considered contacting the bank about our house payment. We sold many of our possessions to try to get extra cash just for groceries. I was rejected at WIC when I had to humble myself and ask for help to buy food. Once again, the rejection was based on the previous year's taxes...in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic. It was a recipe for a financial disaster.
A Traumatic Childbirth
To make matters worse, the birth of my son at the beginning of the pandemic had been traumatic both physically and emotionally. His shoulder got stuck coming out. The baby and I were in distress. I had opted for a natural birth, but I had suffered pain and tearing.
Titus was grey-blue when he came out. Instead of putting him on my chest to bond skin-to-skin, the midwife immediately started life saving procedures on him.
It was the scariest 45 seconds of my life as he lay there lifeless.
When he finally came-to, something had changed in me. I just wasn't the same. I disassociated. I left my body emotionally. I would be scarred physically and emotionally for the rest of my life.
Childbirth had triggered my C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) from trauma in my childhood. Seeing my child’s lifeless body and all the stressors of giving birth alone during the pandemic caused a chemical change within my brain that is indescribable. I would never be the same again after that.
Everywhere I Looked for Help Was a Closed Door
The trauma of the next few years is still something I struggle with expressing in words even now, 4.5 years later. The first year postpartum was extremely difficult. I could not access quality medical or mental health care. There were no trauma informed (for C-PTSD) or postpartum mental health informed services available. Everywhere I looked for help was a closed door. I didn't bond with my son for the first 2.5 years.
I cried nonstop...or I sat motionless, silent and absent for hours while my infant screamed on the bed next to me and my toddler destroyed the house around me. I was frightened to tell anyone what was going on in my head. I was certain that my children would be taken away and I would be locked away in a mental institution. It may sound extreme, but that’s the sad history our country has when it comes to the handling of mothers with postpartum mental health struggles.
I was also paranoid that my daughter was going to be kidnapped, so I couldn't sleep and was constantly checking her room all night long. I couldn't go out in public with both of my children because I was afraid to have to decide which child I was going to have to save if someone tried to steal them. I was afraid of myself and my mind and my thoughts. I hated myself for not bonding with my baby. I had constant flashbacks to childhood traumas anytime my children cried, laughed or played. I was completely dissociated and I needed help.
Pro and Con Lists
To make matters worse, our marriage began to crumble.
The financial stress, the societal stress from the pandemic, and the emotional stress postpartum was just too much for me and Jonathan. Our baby wasn't developing the way he should and our doctor was asking difficult questions. We were broke, broken, alone, scared, and confused.
Jonathan's welding business was collapsing due to fallout from the pandemic and I NEEDED to get out of the house and not be a stay at home mom anymore. However, I couldn't work because my C-PTSD flashbacks were out of control. We were very stuck. My mental health was so bad that we had to decide if I was going to admit myself into a hospital or not. We had some really hard conversations. We made lots of pro and con lists (this makes me laugh–if you watch The Office and you are familiar with Jim and his pro and con lists then you’ll laugh too.)
We worked hard every night (after we FINALLY got the kids to bed) to come up with a plan for our future. We looked forward to that time. We became a team again. We remembered why we were best friends. We realized that we both wanted to be “in love” again, but we both just didn't feel it and didn't know how to get back there.
We decided to make a plan that would work for our unique situation. We worked backward. What would be the perfect situation for us financially, as a couple, as parents, and with our assets? We decided that what mattered most was our relationship as a family and that we were going to fight to make it what we want it to be–together.
We each shared our hopes and dreams. We crafted a vision of sustainability for us emotionally, relationally, financially and practically. Then we worked backwards from there to plan how we could get there.
Selling the White Picket Fence to Buy a Dream
We decided to sell our home. Owning a home wasn't worth it anymore. The financial stress it gave us wasn't worth the “white picket fence”. Jonathan decided to give up his career to support me and my ability to thrive in society. Jonathan also wanted to be able to spend more time with the kids and our previous setup with him working full time and me staying home with the kids full time wasn't sustainable mentally or financially for either of us. My C-PTSD was so bad that I couldn't work a “real” job (AKA a typical 9-5.)
After seeking treatment in a WIDE variety of ways, we realized that I wasn't going to get back to 100% anytime soon. I also couldn't stay home with the kids full time so Jonathan could work; I was so scared to be alone with them and I didn't trust myself. I was literally paralyzed with fear of everything.
We birthed Mendo LEAP in an effort to create a source of employment where both Jonathan and I could share the responsibilities at home with the kids and we could each get out of the house to enjoy our careers. Our plan included each of our individual priorities. It seemed impossible, but we believed that it was worth trying.
Two years later, our impossible dream has become a reality that is growing bigger by the day.
Mendo LEAP is so much more than a business to us
Hope, Healing, and “Living the Dream”
It took 2.5 years, but Titus and I did start bonding. We’re making up for lost time and have a beautiful relationship. Because we have set up our lives to prioritize family bonding, it is a lot of fun.
As far as my mental health is concerned, it took until I was a full year postpartum to find a doctor who is PostPartum Mental Health Informed. I wound up having to contact Postpartum International, which is the government's emergency hotline for postpartum parents. They provide training for practitioners and have a directory you can search to find one near you. The closest we had was one practitioner out of Santa Rosa. She was amazing and got me started on the road to recovery. I believe I will always be in recovery. Because of the combination of circumstances/perfect storm that caused all this, it is an extremely complicated and long recovery process. But, by persevering in seeking the right help, accepting help, and communicating/setting up my life to ensure I can succeed, I am living the hope I needed but couldn’t find in current society.
I am in treatment for C-PTSD and have completed several forms of treatment over the last 3 years since finding help. I have learned a lot. I am learning why they put the “C” in front of the PTSD. It is very complicated and takes highly informed practitioners to effectively treat it. I am passionate about helping others who may be suffering alone. Our rural community lacks informed care for postpartum families and I am determined to use Mendo LEAP in any way I can, not just to spread awareness but to provide meaningful solutions.
Mendo LEAP is a Social Enterprise
This is why Mendo LEAP is a Social Enterprise. It's not about making a profit for us. It's about making enough of a profit to do the social work we are passionate about so we can effect change and make life better for everyone in our rural community.
Resources
Each of the following are links to websites that may be helpful to you or someone you know.
The links in this blog post are provided for your convenience and are not under the control of MENDO LEAP LLC, and are not intended as an endorsement or an affiliation by MENDO LEAP LLC of the organization or individual so linked or named.
